My first depression diagnoses, post-natal depression to be specific, was in 2009. I think depression was present in my life prior to this, but this was the first time that I had the "label" and could start to think about what that meant. At the time I was struggling. I struggled with pregnancy, I struggled giving birth, I struggled to recover from birth and I really struggled with a newborn. Sadly, I was not graced with the maternal instinct that it seemed to me, everyone else naturally had. My instincts pushed me to learn everything I needed to know, to cover the basics, but I always felt like I was failing and not doing things well enough. I had a lot of guilt about not really knowing what to do as a Mother. I had a lot of peoples' opinions, often differing opinions, flying at me constantly which added to my stress. I found my self-doubt often creeping in and it was hard for me to work out what was right or wrong and I ended up second-guessing my every decision which caused a lot of confusion and conflicted feelings in my mind. My confidence was near zero. Unless of course, it came to things I was passionately decided about like safety and health. I would not budge when it came to "safety first", no matter what type of pressure other people would put on me to "go with the flow" if I thought there was an element of danger, I wasn't having a bar of it. I was also always very staunch in my views around healthy foods, nothing processed or high in sugar was the way I wanted my little girl to start off life, and develop healthy habits. This wasn't met with approval by all, but I made my views very clear and this made me feel a little in control.
Do I even care if people like me or not? In theory, the answer should be no. In reality, the answer is definitely yes, I do care if you like me, I care even more if you don't like me. I have no idea what type of conditioning causes these feelings but I place the opinions others have of me in a very high place. When I think about it logically, it's bizarre. Allowing people, even people who don't know me to somehow make a judgement call on my worthiness. Yet it has been something I have always felt deeply.
An extroverted introvert. Am I one? Are you one? Confused? Me too. Ever made plans with all the enthusiasm in the world only to change your mind the minute you leave the social situation you are in and wish you hadn't? I often get caught up in a moment and agree to things that I actually would rather not do. Then I have to pain myself to find ways to get out of it.
I’ve always needed a lot of time alone. Maybe this comes from being an only child. Maybe it comes from being an introvert. Sharing a home office this year for a few weeks reminded me how much I need my own space. I realised this very quickly and set about creating a space, just for me.
When my anxiety got worse, it would affect my sleep terribly. I would get into bed early, 8.30-9 pm ready for a great nights sleep, and then the thoughts would start. They were racing through my mind faster than a kid filling up a bag at the lolly pick n mix.
The best thing that could have ever happened to me and the biggest lesson of my life started when I very first became a Mum. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not exactly fond of babies, even to this day.
I have been speeding through life, my whole life. Hitting milestones feel as vital to me as oxygen. Chasing the approval of other people was the primary motivator. Often, and ridiculously, I have found myself chasing the approval of people I don't even aspire to be.
I have suffered from anxiety all my life. I had no idea what it was for the first 27-ish years. I thought it was just the way everyone felt all the time. I think it started as social anxiety when I was younger and grew to higher-level anxiety with age and different life experiences—steadily growing with each perceived danger that cropped up. I notice the pattern now, and it seems to come and go, sometimes from triggers but often appearing for no good reason at all. Like a giant zit on your face; it appears all of a sudden, causes havoc and then goes away again.
If you had told me a year ago, I’d be singing praises about soaking nude in a float tank full of salt I would have laughed you off the planet.
I have been hearing a lot this week about boundaries. Setting boundaries was one of the very first things I did when I started becoming more aware of myself and set sail on my mental health and well-being journey five years ago.